Dear Elfy –
Next week you’ll be coming back to our house until Christmas, and I’ve got to admit, I’m kind of looking forward to seeing you again.
Sure, you’re a little creepy: I never walk with my back to you in a dark room, and you remind me of the Fantasy Island episode where the ventriloquist dummy comes to life to kill its owner until it’s burned alive.
But three years ago you single handedly replaced Santa. As far as our kids are concerned you ARE Christmas.
I know a lot of people are not looking forward to their Elves coming back: They’re always getting into trouble, making big messes and just causing a lot of extra work for their families.
That’s why I like you, Elfy: You’re different.
Remember that time you snuck into the bathroom and squeezed the toothpaste out all over the place and made a big mess?
No? Me neither – Because you would never do that. Because you’re not an asshole.
What I do remember is the time you sat so nicely on the fireplace mantle for a few days because it’s so warm and peaceful and that’s where you can see both the kids while they eat and play. It’s not that you’re lazy or forgot to go do something crazy. It’s that you prefer the quiet dignity of observing others without having to be the center of attention.
Why be the Kim Kardashian of Elves when you can be the Ron Swanson?
Why would you ever reduce yourself to rifling through the cabinet with the marshmallows, M&M’s and powdered sugar when right next to it is the cabinet with five types of bourbon?
Why would you compromise your dignity by sitting in the bathroom, fishing in the toilet when you could be sitting on a lovely hand-crafted wooden book case full of Hemingway?
Don’t be discouraged if the kids come home talking about how all of their friends’ Elves are always doing super silly and creative things. Those Elves are forced to hang out with the Tooth Fairies that give out $10 per tooth and are filling their empty souls with marshmallows and candy canes.
So, Elfy, if you want to go up in the Christmas tree four times in one month, we know that it’s not because you’re lazy, forgetful or don’t have a Pinterest account. We know it’s just because you like to be with the kids when they watch the movie, Elf for the hundredth time so you can shake your head at yet another Elf who has clearly lost his mind.
The Dusty Parachute