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My First NaNoWriMo Novel - The Dusty Parachute

My Doggy Style Love Story

I am setting forth on a new adventure and working on putting together a book proposal. Technically this would be my first solo book, although I have been honored to be part of several humor and parenting anthologies.

When putting together my portfolio for prospective agents, I will be highlighting several of my published pieces. But really, I think all anyone needs to see is this unpublished treasure that my mom recently discovered while cleaning out her garage. Don’t be surprised if you someday see this 1980 classic, “The Dogs that Never Stoped Loveing,” in the Smithsonian….(or back in the bottom of a box in the attic.)

For the first time ever, you are getting an exclusive peek at this dramatic, tear-jerking romance.  As they say in the monster truck ads, “you’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge!”

With no further ado, I present

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
My 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Imel, was kind enough to edit my spelling errors for the book cover. If you look closely, you’ll see the poor woman had to hand-write the o’s since we lived in the ancient time of typewriters.

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
I still live by the proofreading rule, “when in doubt, add an ‘e'”.  BTW – You’ll soon find out just how literal this title really is.

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
Disney “Lady & The Tramp” copyright lawsuit pending.

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
This is when things start heating up. It’s like a barely-weaned-puppy version of the interview scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
Well, that escalated quickly.
My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
Holy shit, this passage has SO MANY LEVELS! First of all, yes, the math does add up to the 62 pups referenced on the previous page, thank you very much. Also, despite my fondness for over-using e’s, I managed to nail the spelling of “seizure”. But, enough patting myself on the back…..What in the actual hell?!?  How did my teacher see earlier drafts of this masterpiece and not pull me aside and suggest, “maybe not so much with the parental-abuse and seizures.” I have a feeling my mom slept with one eye open after I brought this home.

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
Awww, that’s nice – the ungrateful pups were glad Lady didn’t die. But she barely has time to recover from her seizure before her family is ripped apart by a home-wrecker named………
My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
CLIFF?!? Sorry, Tippy. Looks like even 62 pups worth of lovin’ isn’t enough for Lady. But you know the ole saying, “If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you,” – Just ask the Bulldog that “got next to” Lady after Cliff ditched her. I really like my use of the “unreliable narrator” here. We’ll never really know if Lady was “forced away” or “ran away.” Perhaps it was a little bit of both. SO MANY LEVELS!!!!

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
I would like to edit this first sentence to be, “50 were boys and 50 were girls….but NONE of them were Tippy’s!”  Hahahahahaha! How much drama can one 8-year old cram into a fourteen page story? There’s love, torture, infidelity, kidnapping, seizures, an unnatural amount of birthing and now CAGES!  I think it may say a bit about how much “Hart to Hart” and “Fantasy Island” I watched in the 80s. A bonus, available in only the original copy: some 40-year old glob of mystery substance on page 11. Maybe it’s cookie dough, maybe it’s a booger….but you should definitely Purell-up if you touch it.

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
It’s all nice and heartwarming that everyone mysteriously woke up to open cages on Christmas, but that’s only because we don’t really know WHEN they got PUT IN the cages! Maybe it was Labor Day (of course, every day is labor day for Lady.) Also, feel free to insert a joke about how much Lady enjoys a room full of “Bonse” here.

 

My First NaNoWriMo Doggy Style Romance Novel - The Dusty Parachute
Notice, I never wrote, “The End’ AND there are eight more blank pages left in this book. Lady & Tippy have so many more stories to be told. If I can pack this much action into 241 words, imagine what I could do for Lady & Tippy in a full 50,000 word novel!

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Once upon a time, Susanne Kerns was a Senior Account Director at an advertising agency working for two of the top brands in the world. Ten years ago she traded in her corporate life for a life as a stay at home mom, raising two of the best kids in the world. She started her blog, The Dusty Parachute as a way to dust off her online advertising skills and begin her job search. Instead, she now uses it as a way to spend lots of time on the computer so her kids think that mommy has a job.

Susanne’s essays have been featured in Scary Mommy, Redbook & BonBon Break and she is also a contributor in the books, I Just Want to Be Perfect, It’s Really 10 Months, Special Delivery and Martinis & Motherhood – Tales of Wonder Woe & WTF?!

The Dusty Parachute by Susanne Kerns
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xo - Susanne
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One thought to “My Doggy Style Love Story”

  1. Dear Susanne !
    I have to catch up a lot of posts of the Dusty Parachute.
    This one especially is SOOOOOOOOO funny !!!!
    But in another end very NOSTALGIC…. to me !
    Because (and you forgot to mention your prize here)… it reminded me your poem of this little dog who digs digs digs until the end of the world ! Your poem had made a strong impression on me and I have never forgotten it !
    As a strange matter of fact…. I am writing too…. but just for me myself and I !!!!!
    I wish some day we could write together… but my thoughts are in French. I can’t “think” in english and feel so sad and sorry that I can’t express my sensibility properly. I think that I share with you the same sense of high sensibility, humour and autoderision ! I hope that “Listen to your mother day” was great… Love from Virginie

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