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My New Geriatric Pet-Proofing Service

After months of deliberation, I think I have finally uncovered my perfect new career – an intersection of my natural gifts, MacGyver ingenuity and my true passion: Geriatric Pet-Proofing.

It’s like one of those baby-proofing services, except instead of protecting babies who poo and pee all over themselves and fall down the stairs, it will protect your senior-citizen pets who also poo and pee all over themselves and fall down the stairs.

Just a few of my services will include:

C.C.C. (TM) – Cat-litter Coat Closet


This service, also known as the ‘Triple C’ is designed for those who don’t have that perfect place for their cat’s litter box.  Introducing the Cat-litter Coat Closet. For the low cost of losing the convenience of having an actual place to store coats, we can convert your coat closet into the perfect place for your cat to relieve itself in privacy while concentrating all of the nasty stinkiness in the confines of your closet (until, of course, when you open the door and the scent is immediately distributed throughout your entire house).


C.C.C. (Cat Litter Closet) Deluxe


For those cats who are just too old and/or too senile to give a damn if they’re actually aiming into their litter box , we offer the C.C.C. Deluxe.  The C.C.C. Deluxe is a perfect blend of your old Polish grandmother’s plastic carpet runners and a Dexter kill room.  We’ll not only cover the carpet with the thickest plastic material known to man, but we’ll extend the coverage a good 2 feet up the wall so when those stupid bastards shoot for the stars, it will all roll down skate-ramp style and collect in an (almost) easy to clean puddle hidden underneath the litter box.


S.S.S. – Sofa Security Service 


For cats who don’t like to be confined to the C.C.C. we offer Sofa Security Service.  I’ve learned from hundreds of dollars worth of vet visits that elderly cats are much like women after childbirth and that sometimes when they sneeze/fart/barf/are just too lazy to get to the proper facilities, a little (lot) of pee can sneak out. I’ve also learned, after purchasing hundreds of dollars worth of Nature’s Miracle, that this pee smell can never be removed from brand new, down-filled cushion sofas.

Fortunately, there is a simple and inexpensive solution: S.S.S. / Sofa Security Service: For a modest fee, I will come to your home every night and cover all of your furniture with giant sheets of clear 3.5 mil polyethylene.  It’s as convenient as it is attractive.  So, if your cat is still stupid enough to want to sleep on a giant sheet of plastic, at least their urine will be contained in a tidy, polyethylene pool instead of in your $2000 couch cushion.

These also come in handy if you need to paint, have a roof leak, or need to dispose of a body Breaking Bad-style.  We’ve been successfully (shamefully) testing a prototype in our home for 3 years.


V.V.A.G. – Vet Visit Avoidance Gate


The Vet-Visit-Avoidance-Gate is our top of the line pet gate system.  Let’s say, for example, you have an 80 lb geriatric lab that forgets that he can’t make it all the way up (or down) the stairs until he’s actually on them and requires an emergency air lift.

Typically, a conventional baby gate would meet your Vet-Visit-Avoidance needs, but now let’s suppose you also have two even-more geriatric cats who scream like their tails are on fire any time the gate is closed.  Even worse, let’s say that one of them is just dumb enough to occasionally try to impress the other by going for the senior-cat Olympic high jump medal with only a 50/50 success rate.

For the low, low rate of $39.95, I will personally come to your home and attach two custom designed, patented Bands de Rubber to your existing retractable gate and voila.  The dog remains safely downstairs, the cats can do whatever the hell they want and the humans are only moderately inconvenienced by having to have a damn baby gate again even though there’s no one under the age of 5 in the house.

Do you have any contraptions that you have MacGyvered around your house to accommodate your pets? I would love to hear about them.


After this post was originally published, we lost our sweet geriatric dog, Jackson to cancer the week before Christmas.  I would love for you to read my tribute to him at “9 Tips for a Happy Life, From My Dog.”

The Dusty Parachute by Susanne Kerns
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10 thoughts to “My New Geriatric Pet-Proofing Service”

  1. Oh so funny! I like the doubling up of the litter boxes, especially! This was written on my birthday, too! So fun to see a blast from the past!

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