MARCH 26 – I’M A KNOB SNOB
I buy cheap wine, most of my kids’ toys (and clothes) are purchased off of our neighborhood Facebook Garage Sale page and I usually go with ‘cost efficient’ over ‘luxury’.
So why would I spend my whole morning driving the equivalent of a trip to San Antonio to spend 3x as much money for cabinet knobs at Restoration Hardware (a store I usually avoid at all costs) instead of my beloved Lowes?
Because I’m a knob snob.
We spent way too much money on a lot of weird things during our Seattle remodel but one of the things I never regretted splurging on were the lovely polished nickel Grafton pulls & knobs we got from Restoration Hardware.
I can also rationalize spending the extra money because I have had two of these in store credits for $60 from returns during our Seattle remodel that have been haunting me since January 2009.
10 overpriced pulls: $140
Not having these credit slips in my to-do file for another year: Priceless
“I’ll take ten of your Grafton 1.25″ knobs in satin nickle, please!”
I’ve had this feeling before……
But last time it was in the shower…..when that damn tile was staring at me….
For some reason, the knob looks completely normal in every finish except the satin-nickel one that we need. In the satin-nickel finish the angles of the knob create some alien-eyed-Jesus-painting-that-stares-at-you-anywhere-in-the-room kind of effect.
That’s okay, I’ll take ten of the Asbury knobs (nervously staring at watch since guy is coming to install said knobs and hook up our heated floors in about 40 minutes and I’m practically in South Dallas.)
And that’s when the sales woman informed me that they don’t carry knobs and pulls in the store (which is also the same answer she gave about ten other things the customers asked about as I was waiting.) Did I mention that I really don’t like Restoration Hardware?*
Of course they don’t carry items in the store, because then the wouldn’t have enough room for this insane shrine to their wasteful, mailman-hernia-inducing catalogs.
She assured me that ordering them would just take a moment. She then proceeded to have me follow her all over the store as she tried to find a corner with internet reception for her iPad to place the order. I spent 20 more minutes watching three employees try to read the codes on the back of the gift cards made from my vintage, out of state credit slips because it was so dark in the store that they couldn’t see them.
Finally, order placed. Have a lovely day. Text from contractor asking if I’m home yet…
And that’s when I stepped out to the parking lot only to experience the doucheyest of all douche-bag parking jobs.
After crawling into the driver’s seat through the passenger door it became even more evident that this driver must have folded in both of our rear view mirrors in order to achieve this level of d-bagginess.
So after a 45 mile round trip to Restoration Hardware I still had no knobs.
And although I made it back in time to let in the electrician, just like the last one, he couldn’t figure out the system so my bathroom wall still looks like this.
*Sidenote: I did not always hate Restoration Hardware, in fact I used to LOVE them. They used to be lovely, bright stores that made me want to move in and live there forever. And then one day some person with a fondness for all things dark, grey and castle-looking took over and then tried to make up for their lack of desirable merchandise by making wasteful phonebook sized ‘art’ catalogs full of $2000 book cases. When it’s so dark in your store that employees can’t read the numbers on the back of your own gift cards I think it’s time to tone down the dungeon effect a bit.
Double side note: A girlfriend of mine informed me about a local Austin company called Push Pull Open Close which brings a huge selection of pulls to your house. No 40 mile drive, no d-bag parking jobs, hooray! I cannot speak to the actual service since I haven’t used them but the gentleman that I spoke with on the phone was very informative and helpful so I thought I would give them a little shout out.
Once upon a time, Susanne Kerns was a Senior Account Director at an advertising agency working for two of the top brands in the world. Nine years ago she traded in her corporate life for a life as a stay at home mom, raising two of the best kids in the world. She started her blog, The Dusty Parachute as a way to dust off her online advertising skills and begin her job search. Instead, she now uses it as a way to spend lots of time on the computer so her kids think that mommy has a job.
Susanne’s essays have been featured in Scary Mommy, BonBon Break and Redbook and she is also a contributor in the upcoming books, It’s Really 10 Months, Special Delivery and Martinis & Motherhood – Tales of Wonder Woe & WTF?! You can follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.